SAO Progressive--A Parody
by DarkZeroStories93
Summary: What exactly happened on the first few floors between Kirito and Asuna? How many insults were exchanged? Were these events important at all? SAO Progressive has the answers, and this is my parody.
1. Chapter 1

**Sword Art Online**

Progressive-A Fanfiction

(Author's Note: This is a work of fanfiction, which means that this is based on an actual work of fiction that I claim zero rights to [nor would I want to]. **This is actually a fanfiction of a parody of a work of fiction** , so take this whole thing with a pound of salt. Now that that's out of the way: *This story is based on Sword Art Online: Progressive, which follows Asuna's story covering the first few floors of Aincrad during the original SAO story. I've taken a few liberties, but for the most part, the events that I am describing in this story are canon. Especially the bit with the Wind Fleuret*.)

One

Asuna watched as Kirito vanished through the door to the second floor with that coat she'd helped him acquire. She was fuming, partly about the coat, but also because of that incessantly annoying, self-righteous attitude of his. She intended to go after him. She'd fight his ass for that coat if she had to. Unfortunately, he was too strong for her to fight alone, so that was out of the question.

A quick look around and her eyes fell on the big guy.

 _Oh, he'd be great in a fight!_ she thought eagerly.

 _You wanna party up with him?_ said that other part of her brain. The cautious part. _You sure?_

 _He's big and he has an axe. He could split Kirito's bitch ass like the limp noodle he is!_

 _Well, try to relate to him. I think they appreciate that._

"Hey...uh...home dog," Asuna said. "You wanna help me...smoke a bitch?"

He looked at her like she'd sprouted a second head. "Say what now?"

"I gotta go after that punk who...dissed me," she went on. "Think you might want to get in on my...squad, Chocolate Thunder?"

"Are you...are you trying to sound street or somethin'?" said the big guy, "Ah hell no. I ain't putting up with this bullshit. Go find somebody else!"

"Wait! I need your big weapon, T-Chain!" Asuna called after him as he stalked off. "It's the only thing that'll satisfy my needs!"

"Hell no!" He yelled back from some distance away.

 _You think they appreciate that? Really?_

 _Oh, shut up! You didn't have to make it all sexual, idiot! He probably thought you were coming onto him or something._

 _Nooo...well, I don't know! Did I sound perverted?_

 _Well, all this time you're wasting, Kirito is getting further away! None of these others will work?_

 _Have you looked at them?_

There was a pause. _Good point. Maybe we can try diplomacy?_

Asuna was the second SAO player to set foot on floor two. It was comprised of a large field with a few copses of trees littering the immediate area.

"Now if I were a bitch, where would I run?" Asuna said to herself. She set off in a random direction, at least hoping she would run into Kirito before he got to the next town. Couldn't kill him in a safe zone, after all.

Kirito was in his element when he was in the middle of a fight in SAO. He was surrounded by four windwasps, the sort of insects that littered this whole floor. And despite that, he didn't feel the least bit worried.

He deftly slashed at one as it flitted near him. He clipped its wing and the creature vanished in the usual sparkling death animation. Two more quickly followed suit.

The last one just darted back and forth in front of him, waiting for an opening to attack. Kirito activated one of his sword arts. His blade flashed, and his new Coat of Midnight flourished as he swept forward and obliterated the bug in a flurry of elegant cuts.

All in all, the windwasps were worth a paltry 428 EXP, and barely any Col to boot. He flicked open his menu to check his new inventory (mostly wasp needles), but as he did so he heard a strange rustling sound nearby. He glanced in the bushes behind him and thought he saw a health bar, but he couldn't be sure since whatever it was was faint and practically vanished when he looked at it.

No sooner had he turned his back than did something take him by the legs and force him to the ground. The words it yelled sounded something like "Found your dumb ass!" and he recognized the voice too.

"Asuna! The hell?"

"And where the fuck did you think you were going, huh?" She growled at him. "Who said I was through with you!"

Kirito blinked. "I kinda thought that was a given since I disbanded the party. Are you still on about the coat?"

"No! And...yes! Maybe!" She thought for a moment. "Actually yeah! I want that damn coat, asshole! I earned half of it!"

"Hey, would ya lay off me?" Kirito rolled away from her.

"Give me the coat and we call it even," said Asuna.

Kirito held up his hand. "Better plan. _You_ can get the LA bonus from _this_ floor boss. I already know where it is."

"What?"

"That's a floor boss?" Asuna asked. "It doesn't look like much."

She and Kirito were looking through a grove of thin trees down into a valley, within which was a bull the size of a really big truck.

"Looks can be deceiving, Asuna," Kirito replied. "It's at least nine levels above me, and the last floor boss was six above me when we fought it. What's more, when you fight the bull you get swarmed by windwasps of a higher level than the normal variety, so taking it on alone isn't a good option."

"Otherwise you'd already be on floor three?" Asuna asked.

"I'm a pragmatist," Kirito replied.

"You're a douchnozzle."

"I thought we were above childish namecalling, Asuna."

"Don't even start talking about childishness with me!" She almost yelled. She sighed. "I guess we need to formulate some kind of plan then." Asuna looked at the bull for a bit. "Seems like we can take this one just like the last boss. Either way, I'm not letting you out of my sight until-"

She looked up and saw that a certain swordsman wearing a stolen coat was gone. "Goddammit, KIRITO!"

Two

Seen as how Asuna still had no idea how to open her menu, she was left wandering around aimlessly across the second floor. During this course of time, she killed twenty-three windwasps and three wolves, and she leveled up twice. Not that she could do anything with those skill points she'd acquired.

She stopped and made a weird finger motion. Nothing happened.

 _What the fuck are you doing?_ she asked herself.

 _I'm tryna open my menu_ , she replied.

Asuna waggled her finger up and down. "How did Kirito do it?" She'd seen him open his menu once before. Regardless, her own efforts proved futile. _Motherfu-_

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sounds of nearby battle. Upon approaching the noise, Asuna found a warrior shrouded by trees, wearing a dark cloak and carrying a familiar sword.

 _Kirito! Imma kill that sunavabitch!_ Yet even as she thought these words, she saw the warrior take a hit and get knocked down. They had ZERO coordination and looked like they were struggling with just gauging distance.

 _Okay, not Kirito._

 _Wanna watch this dork get pulverized? Could be fun..._

Asuna sighed. _No, let's rescue his-slash-her ass._

She leapt forward as a windwasp knocked the warrior to the ground again, and with a flash of her small blade, the bug was dead. She sheathed her sword with a light 'ting' noise and looked back at the warrior.

When they'd fallen, they'd gotten tangled up in their cloak and were now cursing incessantly. And it was definitely a guy.

Asuna watched him struggle for a moment. When he finally broke out, his helmet gleaming against the sunlight, he said, "Gah! I had him right where I wanted him! Let me kill my own prey, dammit!"

"Yeah, you clearly had that under control," Asuna's voice was laced with sarcasm and dipped in mockery. "Dumbass."

"I have to make it on my own," he replied. "Like you do, for instance. That speed you moved with...you must be the frontline fighter...Asuna! The Flashing Fencer!"

"The fuck? Hey, I don't go around showing off the goods to anyone!"

"No, I meant flashing with...like, you know...speed?"

"Well, I've done my good deed for the day," Asuna told him. "Next fuck up, I'm just gonna watch you die."

"You're a real treat," said the guy. "Can you help me up?"

Asuna held out her hand. The guy reached out to grab it and missed. "Oh, fuck me."

"The hell?" Asuna just now noticed an eyepatch covering the right eyehole of his helmet. "No wonder you can't judge distance!"

"I'm the eyepatched swashbuckler...matey."

Asuna's eyebrows went in two different directions. "What. The. Fuck? I'm sorry, but how does a name like that even come up in a logical line of thought? That's like...neanderthal shit!"

"Well, it's what I want to be," said the eyepatch retard. "I wanna be a frontline fighter like you, ya know? Helping people, fighting the big monsters!"

"Hey, I don't know where you got the impression that I help people from," Asuna said, "because I prefer to help them help themselves if I help at all. You're a special case. Emphasis on _special_ , 'kay?" She cracked her neck.

"Can I repay you for helping me out?"

"No, I don't need your-" Her eyes opened wide. "Actually...yeah. You can. But if you tell anyone, I swear I'll feed you to the field boss."

Eyepatch nodded.

Asuna got right up in his face. "Show me how to open the menu."

 _ **Two days later...**_

"Thanks for meeting me on short notice," said Asuna. "It's always nice to meet friends for tea." She took a sip.

"Conversation costs extra."

"Ever a treat, Argo." Asuna looked out the window. "Haven't seen Bitchito for a few days now."

"That's a new one," Argo replied with a laugh. "I bump into Kii-boy from time ta time. He wants to trade info with me."

"Is he in town?"

"He's always moving around. Never can pin him down."

"Is he still wearing my coat?"

Argo smiled. "Lotsa questions. I charge for every one you know."

"Then don't answer them," replied Asuna. "I'm trying to save my Col." She had her eyes on a fine set of garments that offered unique stat boosts in agility. But they cost two thousand more Col than she currently had.

Argo leaned in close. "You sure are awful intrested in Kii-boy. Want me to tell you where he is?"

Asuna looked at Argo quizzically over the rim of her cup. "I'm not paying you for info about that prick."

"Well, Kirito told me that you of all people are not to know where he went," Argo said in an almost singsong voice.

Asuna scoffed. "That ass!"

Argo's mouth opened wide with a grin. "So _that's_ what this is about!"

"Fuck you and the horse you rode in on."

Argo chuckled. "No horses on this floor, only cows. Speaking of...are ya ready to fight the 'Bullbous Bow'?"

"Is that what it's called?" Asuna asked. "Seriously?"

"I don't think Akihiko Kayaba ever really _got_ how to name things," said Argo.

Asuna nodded. "I'm good to go."

There was a clang from outside. "Sounds like Klein hit his head again," said Argo.

"No, blacksmith," replied Asuna. "There's a player taking up the trade now instead of the usual NPCs. Makes a nice change. He looks like a scrawny weasel though." She paused. "But he can do some damn fine work."

"But not as fine as Kii-boy's ass, huh?"

"Argo, I swear to God-!"

Three

The bull grazed in the center of the field, surrounded by any player that was worth their salt. Asuna sat on the edge of a hill, hood drawn up. _Wonder how many steaks you can get outta that bitch?_

"Hey!"

Asuna looked up. Kibaou was headed toward her. "Where's your partner at? Haven't seen mucha him on the second floor so far!"

"Don't know," Asuna replied. "If I see him, I'm gonna punch him. Plus, he and I are solo players...so we're not partners."

Kibaou shrugged. "Alright...well, there's a party of four over there we can join, if you want."

"Solo player!"

"Geez, alright," he replied. "Have it your way."

"You need not feel ANY responsibility to that ROGUE!" Declared a commanding voice from behind them. He sounded like he was channeling Mel Gibson from Braveheart. "If YOU wish to do battle with the boss, you NEED to join a party! As inheritor of Diavel's title of leader of the front, I cannot ALLOW for any irregularities in our group focus!" He emphasized words with abandon, which made Asuna want to punch _him_ in the face too.

Asuna made a raspberry in reply. "I'll pick off the minor mobs from behind you morons." She pointed. "The strategy guide says that the windwasps are endless so long as the floor boss is alive, so we need to have groups covering defense against the bugs while the rest of you pick the bull's health apart and try not to get gored like an amateur matador, capiche?"

"No comprende," called someone who overheard what she said.

"Besides, I need to farm those things for drops-" Asuna broke off. She felt something nearby. Someone was watching her from the bushes some distance away. "Huh...would you guys excuse me for a second?" She got up and dashed into the bushes.

A moment later, Kirito came flying out, having been thrown by Asuna. "Found a peeping Tom!"

"How? I was using my Hiding skill!" Kirito said.

Asuna grabbed him and punched him square in the jaw. Kibaou laughed.

"The Beater!" said Mel Gibson.

"Found another one for wasp duty," Asuna said, dragging Kirito by the scruff of his collar. "Don't worry, He won't go near the bull if he likes his balls between his legs."

"Right!" Mel Gibson yelled. "Everyone, PREPARE for battle. As the inheritor of Diavel's legacy, I will LEAD the charge!"

"Bullshit! How am I stuck with you again?" Kirito demanded of Asuna.

"Bullshit is what you'd be if you'd tried to go it alone, dickface," Asuna replied. "You're gonna help me farm the wasps for drops." She got close to him. "And if I see you go near that bull, I'll run you through myself." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "And you know my blade is fast." Her voice perked up to a cheery chirp as she said, "So try not to make too much trouble, m'kay?"

"You're ruining my whole solo vibe," said Kirito.

"By the way, where have you been all this ti-"

"OUR AVERAGE LEVELS ARE HIGHER, IDIOT! WE SHOULD HANDLE THE ATTACKING!"

"BEHOLD! THE INHERITOR OF DIAVEL'S WILL SHALL NOT LET THIS AFFRONT GO UNPUNISHED! THE DRAGON KNIGHTS WILL LEAD THE CHARGE!"

Kibaou and Mel Gibson were right up in each others' faces, shouting their lungs out.

"WHAT'S THIS ABOUT DRAGONS ANYWAY? REAL MEN FOLLOW MY GROUP, THE FEDERATION OF DISGRUNTLED WARRIORS WHO FIGHT FOR AINCRAD! THE FODWWFFA!"

"You might want to work on that name, Kibaou," someone said.

"Yeah, maybe just the Aincrad Liberation Front?" said someone else.

Kibaou looked around. "Yeah...that sounds better. Let's go with that. I like your stuff Corvatz!"

"It doesn't MATTER what your name is, I lead THIS battle!" said Gibson.

"Look man," replied Kibaou. "You might dress up like Diavel, but your not his heir or anything!"

"And how much HAVE you actually 'liberated'?"

Kibaou's eyes narrowed. "Say that again, jerk!"

Asuna groaned. "Once we hit floor three, those are going to be their guild names."

"Those names are beyond cringeworthy," Kirito muttered.

"I know, right?" Asuna replied. When she realized she was agreeing with Kirito, she backtracked. "Not that I give a damn what you think."

"Wonder why Tiff isn't making a guild," Kirito said. "He could draw people in with ease." He looked around. "Speaking of which, where is the big guy?"

"I heard he ran into some trouble..."

"You gotta be outta your mind!" Tiffany complained. "There is no way that is worth six hundred Col!"

"Look man," said the long haired vendor with a lazy voice who sounded like he'd blazed way too much hash in an hour. "Prices are just way up on this floor today. Market's fluctuating like crazy, bro, and it's not easy to get my product here with all the bugs floating around out there, ya know?"

"I know about supply and demand, a'ight," replied Tiffany, "but the windwasp population has dropped dramatically since players started hunting them. I've even done a few radiant activities where I had to guide shipments through wasp infested forests."

"Okay man, okay," the vendor groaned. "I'll drop the price a bit."

"Oh no, you gon' drop this price a whole lot!" Tiffany retorted. "Because, reason number two..."

"Hope he's okay," Kirito said. "So it looks like we're stuck with..." He looked over at a group of warriors who were all wearing very shiny armor and carrying very big swords, laughing as a group with very manly voices about some story or joke or self aggrandizing comment one of them had made. "I'm sorry...what failed improv group did these society rejects crawl out of?"

"Don't get me started," Asuna replied. "They only just showed up around the front, but that gear has to be giving them a boost of like three levels at least."

"So what are they called?"

"I think it's... _The Legend Braves_...?"

Kirito snorted. "Wait...the fuck..." He broke off into hysterics.

"Their members are...Beowulf," she pointed to the dude who looked like a viking. Cuchulainn [pronounced 'Kyoo-Cullin'], and a leader-"

"Stop, I can't breathe!" Kirito managed to spit the word out through his laughter. "That explains...all that ridiculous...shit!"

"Ah, there's the leader, Orlando!"

Kirito laughed again, higher pitched this time.

"I must say!" proclaimed Orlando. "You are a fine blacksmith player! Fantastic work. Not like the NPC blacksmiths who fail every third time."

"Remember the name Nezha for all your blacksmithing needs!" said the blacksmith, who Asuna only just noticed was sitting nearby. "I do custom orders and improvements."

A lot of players started clamoring for improvements on their blades.

"Huh," said Kirito. "A blacksmith on the frontlines. Didn't think the crafting focused players had any balls."

"I guess it's a good way to drum up business with rich and strong customers," Asuna noted.

"Not if you're dead." Kirito cracked his knuckles. "Well, anyway, let's get ready to do some work! Again! With _you_!"

"We're only together temporarily," said Asuna. "I'd rather kill you than fight with you right now."

"Feeling's mutual," Kirito remarked.

The Dragon Knights and the ALF had already moved to engage the bull, which was on a rampage after having been provoked. It was at least five meters tall, and the whole floor seemed to shake any time its great hooves struck the ground.

"Steady as she goes, men!" Yelled Mel Gibson.

"Why does it have spikes on its hooves?!" Someone yelled back.

"I'm more curious about why it farts fire!"

Meanwhile, a cloud of windwasps was shrouding the battlefield, which had a number of support players nearly overwhelmed.

Kirito and Asuna were just fine though. They fought beautifully in tandem, even though they hated each other's guts. Maybe that rivalry of theirs fueled their abilities, each one trying to one up the other.

Speaking of which...

"Twenty-seven!" Asuna called out happily.

"Twenty-nine!" Kirito retorted. "Gotta do better than that!"

"Eat a dick!" Asuna lunged forward again, engaging two wasps at the same time. She took a bit of damage, but barely enough to be noticed, and she got a few extra needles. A few more needles for her tailoring skill she was developing.

She dropped a third one. "Thirty!"

"Thirty-three!" Kirito yelled back. He jumped again, landing his thirty fourth kill a few seconds later.

Asuna was dumbfounded. _How the hell is he doing this?_ It's like this prick didn't have any limits. With nothing but that single sword and black coat, he was charging through the wasps with abandon, tearing them all to ribbons.

Kirito looked over at Asuna while she worked. She had some decent skill, that was for sure. Her rapier had a low DPS rating, but she made up for it by landing criticals on almost every strike. One hit was usually enough to swat a wasp out of the air.

The funny thing was that the sword simply seemed to be holding her back.

 _In that case, I'll have to counter with more strikes!_ Kirito readied his sword again and lunged into a group of six wasps. His sword flashed at incredible speed, and he slid to a stop on the other side of the wasps two seconds later. He stood dramatically, sword held out horizontally from his crouched body, as all six wasps vanished at once.

"Forty," he said, with closed eyes and a smirk.

Asuna's eyes widened. _What kind of skills has he been practicing? Is this what he's been doing all this time?_

"Hey Kirito," she said, an idea forming in her head. "Wanna make this interesting?"

"Oh?"

"You know that thing called 'Tremble Shortcake' they have at the restaurants?" asked Asuna.

"You mean," replied Kirito, "the cake that tastes awesome but costs more than human souls?"

"Yeah," Asuna smirked. "Cake's on the loser! Which is to say, you!"

"Meh, got nothing better to make you pay for."

As they were fighting the wasps, Kirito noticed one of them fly right past everyone and head straight for the bull. _What the-?_

While he watched, the wasp landed right on the bull's ass and jammed its needle right into it's skin. A second of silence followed.

Then the bull roared with such tremendous force that the air shook around them all and a jet of flame shot out of its back door, filling the air with an acrid warmth that for some reason smelled like cranberries that had been in the sun too long.

"Oh shit," muttered Asuna, pinching her nose.

The bull started thrashing around, sending a good number of players flying. However, no one was dying yet, oddly enough. What's more, the bull actually seemed to grow in size and was now nearly ten meters tall. It's eyes blazed crimson as it charged a line of players.

Kirito raised his sword. "Hey, Asuna...I'm in the mood for some prime sirloin."

"Oh hell to the no!" Asuna yelled at him. "Remember what I said?"

"Fine, fine," said Kirito, "I'll make it two steaks. Besides, we might have to work together."

"You got a plan?"

"Geniuses always do," Kirito told her mockingly. "We go for the legs."

"Shouldn't we use throwing knives or something?" Asuna asked.

Kirito looked at her with disbelief. "Pfft! That _hobby_ skill? As if I'd humiliate myself with that." He grinned darkly. "No, we're going for the legs with our swords. We get it to charge us. You take left, I get right. You should be able to land a critical to match my overall damage output."

Asuna raised her rapier. "Sounds easy enough."

"Thing is, you gotta move when I say to," Kirito replied. "You get hit once by that bull, and you might not be able to survive the damage. We have maybe a split second."

 _So..._ Asuna thought. _Let Kirito be in charge for a bit, or we die._

Asuna was weighing her options.

"FORWARD, MEN!" the guy called Orlando and his guildmates rushed forward. "WE ARE THE LEGEND BRAVES! AND OUR COURAGE KNOWS NO-AAAAHHH!"

The bull sent them all flying as it roared again.

"That was pathetic," Kirito mumbled. He and Asuna rushed forward, side by side.

"The two of them?" Kibaou asked.

The bull spotted Kirito and Asuna as they moved toward it and it prepared to charge. Then it came tearing at them as they came to a stop, swords ready.

Forty yards. The bull roared again.

Twenty. Kirito and Asuna's blades glowed.

Ten.

"NOW!" Yelled Kirito.

There was a flash. The next thing the other players saw was a bull come crashing to the ground in a shower of dirt. But only one knee had been hit.

Asuna turned quickly, red faced. "Shit! I missed." She readied her blade again.

"Health's in the red! Time to finish this!" Kirito yelled.

"Hey!" Asuna rushed toward the bull as well. It was still thrashing on the ground, its hooves, tail, and horns still flailing about and making things very dangerous for anyone in its vicinity. And now the air smelled like cinnamon soaked in vinegar.

Kirito struck. Asuna's strike landed exactly 0.046 seconds after his.

That made all the difference.

The bull vanished in a dazzling sparkle, and the 'congratulations' appeared overhead. "YES!" Yelled Kirito. "Two floor bosses finished off by yours truly! Suck on that, _noobs_!" He looked around. "Hey, where's my LA bonus?" He looked over at Asuna. His eyes went wide. "NOOOO!"

Asuna opened her menu.

"Miracles do happen," muttered Kirito glumly.

"Shut up," Asuna retorted.

The last attack bonus she'd gotten turned out to be well suited for her. It was a rapier, and one of the best she could acquire at this early stage. It was called a _Wind Fleuret_ , and its accuracy and critical stats were leagues ahead of her current weapon.

"Holy shit," she said as she equipped it. The rapier was elegant, with inlaid blood grooves and a blade that shone like polished silver. "This is awesome!"

Kirito sank to his knees. "Man...that isn't my style, but it would've made for some good money."

Asuna looked down at him and noticed something. "Aww...where's _your_ sword, little bitch?"

"It got knocked away and went flying over the cliff by a stray wasp a minute ago."

Asuna burst into laughter. "Sucks to be you!"

Kirito rolled his eyes. "I can get it back. I know a workaround with the system."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, maybe I'll rub it in your face sometime."

"Pfft, as if I even care." She grimaced at him. "Stupid beta testing nerd."

"Well, I'm gonna head to the next town," said Kirito. "Place called Taran. Hopefully I won't see you around anytime soon."

"Oh no," Asuna retorted. "We're not through yet. You and I still had a bet. So guess who's gonna be chowing down on cake while you tell her about those skills you've been working on while you've been hiding away in the shadows."

"Who says you won that bet?"

Asuna glared at him. "Rock, paper, scissors. Two out of three."

Kirito raised an eyebrow.

Four

"Go here...then here...and then to 'materialize all items'."

Kirito pushed the icon. There was a bright flash, and suddenly every item in his inventory appeared right next to their table while he sat and sipped on his tea. "Easy as that."

"Wow..." said Asuna.

"It's a last ditch method, and it's really sort of quasi-cheating, so the devs made it a bitch to find in the menu." He pulled his sword out of the pile and resheathed it.

Next Kirito looked at Asuna and then down at the cake that he'd had to sell his soul for. He grabbed a knife.

Asuna put one in his face. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Um...eating? Preferably without being stabbed." Kirito had his hands up, but was giving her a grim look.

"You get one slice," Asuna told him darkly. "A _quarter-inch_!"

"Aw come on! You can't eat that much cake by yourself! Half!"

"No!" She glared at him. "If you're that insistent, then take a quarter of the cake. Anymore and I cut your fingers off."

"Okay, okay, geez," replied Kirito.

He bit into the cake.

"You know, Asuna," Kirito said later with a mouthful of cake, "that sword you just got probably won't last you past the fourth floor, even if you level it to the max." He swallowed. "Gonna have to get a new one soon."

"Fuck off, I do what I want," replied Asuna, also munching on cake.

Kirito shrugged. "Your funeral."

Asuna swallowed and glared at him. "Why are you such an asshole?"

"It's part of my charm."

"There's nothing charming about you," replied Asuna. "You are an absolute prick...and most people think you're a cheater!"

"Beater."

"Cheater, beater, _shit-eater_ ," She glared sharply, "it all fits in your description."

"Classy," Kirito replied. "Why don't you cool your amygdala? You're making a scene."

"Then let's take this outside!" She jumped up. "I got a luck bonus now, so I..." She looked at the four leaf clover symbol for a moment. "Oh wow...I got a luck bonus."

"That's from the cake, Asuna," Kirito told her lazily. "Why don't you go on a hunt with it?"

"There's no time," Asuna replied. She perked up. "I got an idea though!" She grabbed Kirito's hand and started dragging him through town.

"Asuna, what are you-?"

She dragged him all the way through town to the blacksmith who was sitting next to a building on the central street. It was Nezha, the kid who looked like a scrawny weasel.

"You! Sword! Clang-clang! Now!"

Nezha looked at her like she'd grown a second head. "Huh?"

"She wants you to make her sword a plus six," Kirito explained. "You know, upgrade?"

"I have all the materials!" She opened her menu and showed him.

"Oh, wow...you have sixty-two windwasp needles?" Nezha said in awe. "Do you do anything besides hunt bugs?"

"Just do it! Five minutes left!" Asuna interjected.

"Okay," said Nezha. "Everything's in order." He got set up, starting his personal forge. The Wind Fleuret was given to his possession through item transfer, and he set to work.

The glow was bright and the sound of clanging metal rang around the street.

"It won't break, right?" Asuna asked, to no one in particular.

"There's no chance," Kirito replied, despite not being spoken to.

As Nezha struck the final clanging blow, the sword glowed brilliant white. "See, you're worrying over-"

There was a resounding crack as the Wind Fleuret shattered beneath the hammer, and a deafening silence echoed around them.

Asuna's face went white with horror, and her breathing became rattled. " _K...Kumo_?"

 _Seven-year-old Asuna squished the teddy bear she'd gotten from her mother. It was her reward for doing well on her tests. She'd named it Kumo. It was proof that she was smart, and her mother had picked it out._

 _So when she saw the stuffing, the bear missing an arm and a leg, lying shattered on the floor before her eyes, she was beyond devastated._

 _'K...Kumo?' the little girl muttered in abject horror, tears welling in her eyes._

 _'I'm sorry...it needed to be her.'_

 _Needed to be her._

 _Needed._

 _To._

 _Be._

 _Her..._

 **-END OF PART ONE-**

 **NEXT TIME: KIRITO and ASUNA vs THE RING OF THIEVES**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sword Art Online**

Progressive-Part Two

 _ **(Author's Note: I am aware that I had Asuna name her teddy bear 'spider' [kumo]. This was a flaw in my translation, but I refuse to change it. Maybe Asuna likes spiders. Also, for those curious, this is based on SAOA. If you are part of the community but aren't aware of what that is, it is the abridged SAO story told by Something Witty Entertainment. This story just covers what the anime didn't.)**_

 **One**

Kirito stopped in an alleyway off of a deserted stretch of street in order to catch his breath. "Okay..." He panted. "This should be far en-"

In the distance he heard something that sounded like a velociraptor getting its tail run over with a steam roller, followed by a crashing window and...an explosion?!

"Maybe a few more blocks," Kirito muttered to himself.

"Talkin' to yerself now?"

Kirito jumped and turned to see Argo standing right next to him, nearly concealed by the shadows. He sighed, "Oh...it's you. I thought Asuna had caught up to me."

"I take it she's the one making all of that ruckus?"

"Yeah...she was trying to get her sword improved...the one from the LA bonus she'd gotten," Kirito rubbed his neck. "But...well...it broke. Despite there being, like, no chance for it. That Nezha kid was the one upgrading it."

"Oh..." Argo grimaced, closed her eyes and clasped her hands beneath her chin.

"What are you doing?"

"Praying for his soul to find safe passage."

"You can't die in a safe zone, Argo."

"Asuna would find a way."

Kirito scoffed. "He'll live...but I'm pretty sure he's not going to be going anywhere until morning. After she got rid of him..."

 _'Oh, Kiritoooo...!'_

"I got the fuck outta Dodge!" Kirito said simply, nervous grin on his face. There was another explosion, closer this time.

"Well...do you know what might be up?" Argo asked. "Regarding the impossibility of her sword breaking?"

"I don't know, but can you look into it? It might save my life."

There was an ominous echo from up the street. " _Oh, Kiritoooo...you there?_ "

Kirito's face blanched. "Message me the details," he whispered to Argo. "I'll pay you double the usual rate. This conversation never happened, so get the hell out of here!"

The footsteps were getting closer.

Kirito dashed off into the darkness of the alleyway. Argo went the other direction.

Anything to avoid the wrath of Asuna.

From which no one was safe.

Almost an hour later, Kirito was back near the square where Nezha had been sitting. He was scheduled to meet Argo here shortly, and hopefully she would have some important information for him. Asuna had gone quiet for some time, but Kirito had tailed her for a bit and found out where she was staying. Once he'd covered his bases, he booked it back to this little alcove. Nezha was still nowhere to be seen, but Asuna had pretty much guaranteed that he wouldn't be getting anymore business done tonight.

"Hey, Kii-boy!"

"Agh!"

Kirito turned to see Argo appear from out of the shadows.

"Scared ya, huh?" She chided.

"No," Kirito replied. "There's a difference between scared and startled." Kirito blinked. "Did you find anything?"

"Well, it wasn't easy," replied Argo, "but in the last hour...seven. That's how many players have lost their best weapons. All of them were top of the line, highly upgraded, rares and S-class both."

"Damn," Kirito muttered.

"So, you were right," Argo went on. "This is no coincedence."

"Yeah, I'm good like that," Kirito proclaimed proudly as he turned to survey the square again. "So they're weakening the frontline players. The question is why."

"I don't think weakening the players is the end goal here, Kii," Argo noted. "Think about it for a minute. Who would gain from that?"

"Sadistic pricks?" Kirito offered.

"Like you?"

"Beside the point."

Argo smirked. "Here's my reasoning: the weapon upgrade penalty doesn't happen when upgrading a weapon unless the weapon is already spent. That's not just a beta thing either, it's been tested here in the main release. So in other words, the weapon only gets destroyed if you've already upgraded it too many times."

A spark ignited in Kirito's brain. "Then that means...the weapon was switched?!" He gritted his teeth. "The weapon would've had to be switched fast and we would have had to take our eyes off of it for at least three seconds." He thought hard about when they could have-

"That's it!" Kirito took off toward the lion's den.

Asuna was sleeping soundly in her bed when the door burst open with a tremendous BANG! She sat straight up in bed, eyes wide, and found a male figure standing there, staring at her.

She screamed. "NO! SOMEBODY! RAPE! RAAAPE!"

He rushed up to her quickly. "Asuna, it's me!"

Asuna looked at him for a second. "Kirito..." Her eyes went dark. "I'm glad you came to me. Save me the bother of hunting you down. How did you get in here?"

"No time! Follow my instructions exactly!" Kirito yelled. "Open your menu!"

Asuna did so. "Okay..."

"Move to settings! Storage, and then manipulate storage..."

Kirito ran her through the menu until the tag, 'materialize all items' came up.

"Hit yes! Quick!"

Asuna hit yes.

At once, every item in her inventory appeared in the center of her room. Kirito dove into the pile and started digging through it at once.

He tossed aside a few healing crystals, random wasp needles and other loot items, food items, antidote crystals, a pair of panties, and a vibrator for some fuck all reason.

"You must have a death wish, Kirito," Asuna said darkly behind him.

"No...no...no..." Kirito kept digging disregarding her. "It's got to be here...I know it's...AHA!" He gripped something and started pulling it out.

"I'm gonna kill you for-!" Asuna stopped as she saw what Kirito was holding out in front of her. It was her Wind Fleuret.

He sighed. "Will you refrain from killing me now?"

 **-BREAK-**

 _This is my sword_ , thought Asuna. _I don't know how many are like it, but this one is mine. Without me, my sword is useless. Without my sword, I'm useless-_

She sat on her bed, blanket over her head and sword clutched in her hands with a vice grip, staring straight ahead.

There was a knock at the door.

"Name and purpose?" She called out.

"Kirito," came the reply. "And...eating...?"

"Enter."

Kirito poked his head in. "Hey, um...Asuna...I went to get something to eat to...apologize for earlier when I totally didn't fondle your unmentionables." He chuckled nervously.

"You have five seconds," she hissed.

"I brought steamed buns!" Kirito replied hastily.

She stared at him and the box he was carrying. "Alright, I'll forgive you for now."

Kirito set the box down on a table near the bed and opened it. He and Asuna both took one.

 _Hm_ , thought Kirito, _steamed buns...are they beef filled? I mean, we did just kill a massive bovine that shit fire. Ah, I guess there's only one way to-_

There was a loud squelching noise.

Kirito looked over at Asuna and almost broke into laughter. She'd bitten clean into her bun and now her face was covered in a white goopy substance that looked a helluva lot like-

"Hey, umm, Asuna...you want something to clean off with?"

She nodded.

Kirito grabbed a napkin and brought it over to her.

Just then, Kirito happened to notice something out of the corner of his eye. He looked over to see Argo leaning on the door jamb and watching him with the smarmiest smirk on her face.

"Attaboy, Kii," she said.

"Argo, this is NOT what it looks like," Kirito retorted.

Asuna was fumbling in front of her. She couldn't see at the moment because she didn't want to get cream in her eyes, but her hands found the front of Kirito's trousers. Kirito forced the napkin into her hands as Argo burst into hysterics.

A little bit later, Asuna was curled up next to Argo and purring like a kitten. Argo patted her on the head. "Dear Asuna here's been through a lot tonight. You deserve a rest, for sure." Argo winked at Kirito.

"Oh, don't even start that," Kirito replied. "Anyway, how'd your trail turn out? Did you find him?"

Argo nodded. "Well, after he got up the nerve to crawl out of his hole, and nice work, Asuna...he went to meet with some people in secret. All of them were wearing hoods, so I couldn't make out their faces at a distance. Anyway, I saw him reach for something, and then he got all panicky, and the guys he was meeting with started getting rough with him. Looks like he's not the mastermind, but a reluctant pawn in whatever scheme they've got going."

Kirito nodded. "Uh huh...and would that panicky bit have happened right at the stroke of eight?"

Argo nodded. "Right after the bell."

"And there were four? Not five?"

"Yep, four...why?"

Kirito sighed. "Thought I might've been onto something for a second there."

"But, you know, now that I know he was pilfering swords and such from folk, I can't let up," Argo said. "Gotta work his BG, see where it goes. What's your plan?"

Kirito thought for a second.

"We know that Asuna's sword was stolen from her, albeit temporarily," Argo went on. "If we go public with the news, we can start damage control. Spread through my channels, we could corner him in a day."

"Before we do that, let's weigh the options," Kirito replied. "We know that he was stealing weapons, but not for what purpose. What's more, he's probably aware that we're onto him after what happened, so he's going to go to ground. If we make the news public, we're also likely to start a witch hunt. The consequences of that...well, was he keeping the weapons, or was he selling them to a vendor for cash? If it was the former, we can compensate his victims. But if it's the latter..."

Kirito's face went dark. "The rage of a gamer who's been cheated out of progress or a rare item they earned is unquenchable."

"And SAO has no penalty system," Argo added.

"There's only one outcome," Kirito said, staring straight ahead.

Argo nodded. "PK."

"Huh?" Asuna looked up. "I've never heard of PK? Is that something special?"

Kirito and Argo exchanged looks.

"Player kill," Argo explained. "In this case, a public execution of Nezha."

Asuna blinked. "I volunteer for the role of headsman."

"Let's not be all bloodthirsty, Asuna," Kirito replied. "At least not yet. The way SAO is right now..."

"Yeah, it'd be murder," Asuna sighed. "We're not gonna get anywhere with murdering people." She was sounding sarcastic.

"You sound unconvinced," said Kirito.

"Do I?" Asuna replied. "Maybe it's because I'm FUCKING PISSED ABOUT MY SWORD GETTING STOLEN!"

Kirito put his hands up in surrender.

"Y'know, it's funny," mused Asuna, "but I feel like I've met that blacksmith before." She looked up in thought. "The voice was so...familiar...and retarded..."

 **-BREAK-**

Kirito looked up at the swarm of generic lizardmen that stood before him. They were your regular, run-of-the-mill reptilian warriors.

"Surrounded by enemies," Kirito said to himself, as if narrating his own story, "the dark hero stands alone, unbowed, blade raised to meet the threat." The lizards charged. Kirito's blade flashed as he engaged them, and his health only suffered minor damage.

"The hero sheathes his sword," said Kirito as he sheathed his sword. "Ready to face his next challenge."

"The hero needs to sheathe his dick before he hits somebody with it!"

"Asuna, fuck you," Kirito retorted. "I don't even know why you decided to come along for this thing anyway."

"Argo gives you good information," said Asuna. "If she says the thieves are here, then I want to be here so I can try and kill one of them."

"You know that's murder."

"And?"

Kirito stared at her. "Fair enough. Let's go find one."

They kept walking along a dark corridor lit by green torches. They shone dimly in the darkness of the chamber, yet illuminated the strange lizard like reliefs carved into the purple walls.

"This place has a weird feel to it," Asuna observed.

"Scared?"

"Hell no, I'm just making casual comments!"

"Uh huh."

At last they came to a large chamber, and the sounds of battle could be heard from somewhere within. Kirito and Asuna were standing on a balcony, and far below them they could see four players in very fancy armor and carrying top of the line weapons.

"Well, well," Kirito scoffed, "if it isn't the Legendary Fuck-Ups."

"Legend Braves," Asuna corrected.

"That's what I said."

Asuna watched him for a second and then looked down at the fighters below once more. "Yeah, they did fuck up pretty bad. Look at how they fight. They have almost no coordination."

"Alright men," yelled one of the guys below. "Our plans aren't working, our formations are shot, and Beowulf shit himself a moment ago, I'm sure!"

The giant lizard beast they were fighting roared again.

"I have herpephobia, d-dude! It's a v-very serious c-condition!" One guy retorted, probably Beowulf.

"Yeah, I don't know what that is!" said the first guy.

"It means he's a retard!"

"It MEANS I have a fear of snakes, you piss-noodle!"

"Wow, never heard that insult before."

"Focus, or we're dead!" He looked back at his men. "Last option, men." He raised his sword. "Group up...AND HIT IT 'TILL IT DIES!"

They all yelled with very nerdy sounding battle cries and charged at the lizard.

Next came the screams of pain. Yet somehow they were doing damage to it.

Kirito sniffed. "Yep, as I thought. The only thing keeping them alive is their high grade equipment. If it weren't for that, these morons wouldn't last against slimes."

"Those things are soulless shits, Kirito. Do not joke about them."

Kirito looked at Asuna for a moment with a look of smug satisfaction. Then he returned his attention to the idiots down below. After a few moments, something dawned on him. "Hey, Asuna...the gear these guys are sporting is a bit off-level for them, don't you think?"

Asuna looked at Kirito. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," Kirito elaborated in an exasperated tone, "that in most RPGs, the higher level you are, the better gear you get and the more money and experience you earn. But these guys are way too powerful for where they're at. Plus they have no skill or rhythm, so I doubt they earned that gear from fights."

"So," Asuna surmised, "what you're saying is that these shitstains are the ones behind the scam? That they're using Nezha?"

"Yep." Kirito smirked. "Damn...that one guy they've got there just has no depth perception. It's like he's not able to see right."

"Kidd! Watch your ass!" Yelled one of the Braves.

"AGH!" The one called Kidd got knocked off his feet.

"Dammit, take off that stupid eye patch already!"

"Sorry, Orlando!"

Asuna's eyes widened. "Wait..." _An eyepatch? And I think that voice is the same one Nezha had the other night...which means..._

 _Which means...!_

Once again...

Kirito was right.

"I'mma kill 'em," Asuna seethed.

"Time and patience," Kirito said. "With Argo's help, we can have these guys cornered in a matter of hours." He pressed a button in front of him. "I just took video footage and sent it to her with my thoughts."

"It's them," Asuna said mutely. "You're right. They're the douchebags who need to die." She turned with a flourish of her skirt and hip cloak. "I'll do it myself."

Kirito watched her walk away. "If this were an anime, that would have been a dark dramatic exit scene."

 **-BREAK-**

"Motherfucker with a titty..."

"Geez, Argo," The eloquen man said. "That's some weird phrasing."

"Nevermind, sir," Argo replied. "I just got some unique info on those thieves we were talking about." She paused for thought. "You sure seem to know a lot about them."

"' _Only from a dream'_ ," said the man. "Oh, and feel free to call me Heathcliff. All my friends do."

Argo nodded. "Okay then...Heathcliff."

"No, wait!" He thought for a second. " _Commander_ Heathcliff." He paused again. "Yeah, I love the ring to that."

"Well," said Argo. "The team has four members. Three are legitimate fighters, but the fourth is...sort of a support role. His name is listed on the bottom."

"Kidd?" said Heathcliff incredulously. "As in _Captain Kidd_ the pirate?" He scanned the log. "Looks like he mulled around the idea of calling himself Hephaistos for a while."

"That's Nezha then," replied Argo. "He's the support character, and probably the one who's doing the stealing for them. I think he's being forced to do it though. Based on my knowledge of the situation."

Heathcliff sighed. "Pity. He has such potential."

 **-End of Part Two-**

 **Next Time: The Dramatic Conclusion; ASUNA and the Trainer of the Mountain...**


End file.
